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Feel Attachted To Me!

29 June 2019
Written by

Deva Vasuda

Attachment and feeling connected is of vital importance. I will gladly help you with it.

There is a privilege in my life. That privilege is that I can take care of a few children. I do this when the parents are unable to do so due to work or other circumstances. As a mother without children, I think that's a blessing.

And that is how I come to the Attechement theme. Attachment is of vital importance. And that starts young. I also call it 'connection boldness' or 'connection joy'. To feel attached you need to dare to connect with the people and things around you. It's about daring to have the courage to be able to build a small, warm circle that you trust. With a balance in give and take.

When I was a child my sister and I were often allowed to build tents. We were making our own 'nest' with large cotton sheats over the clotheslines outside in the garden or inside our room. I have very fond memories of that. That is because of this: As a child quite a few spicy things happened. I had nothing to say about it and had to deal with it.
I wasn't really in charge.
I was in charge of the tent. I determined who came in, what we did, what we didn't. Although I often did this together with my sister and girlfriends, that already gave much more room, without adults. I felt safe in such a tent.

The six-year-old I work with (also see the short video on instagram, facebook or twitter) is delighted with the tents that I build for her. With her I see again what I experienced myself. In the video (scroll down in this menu and press the icon) you can see how she loves having me close in her neighbourhood, but she determines whether or not I can look in the tent. She loves that.

The secure adhesion is evident:

1. the relationship offers room for staying connected to each other;

2. the child knows where it stands. That also counts for me;

3. the child's signals are being listened to (' do not coming in!');

4. It is a form of getting rid of the adult in steps.

This is just a small selection of a number of important factors that play a role in feeling connection and attachment in children. Adhesion or (dis) attachment starts after the first breath of a baby and it is a developmental process that needs to be feeded if you want to keep it powerful.

Hoe verhoudt zich dit nu tot jou?

Bij volwassenen die ergens in hun leven een hiaat kennen in de hechting ontsaat een stoornis. Warmte en liefde schenken of ontvangen kan dan lastig zijn. Het goede nieuws is dat de hersenen flexibel blijken te zijn en dat hechting ook op latere leeftijd  verder ontwikkeld kan worden. Dit kan je zien aan een of twee waardevolle relaties die je ergens bent aangegaan in je leven. Is dat je (tot op zekere hoogte) gelukt? Fijn, een eerste strohalm is aanwezig!

Natuurlijk vergt het een toewijding en inzet om verder te komen, het gaat immers om een voorwaarde die van levensbelang is om goed te kunnen leven. Wanneer dit beschadigd is kun je je voorstellen dat het behoorlijk veel vergt om hier alsnog zelf mee aan de slag te gaan. 

Kleine dingen die je kunt doen:

1. Glimlach even naar een ander; terwijl je ieder of samen je ding doet is dit een makkelijke manier van contact maken en bevestigen dat het goed is;

2. Zoek verbinding in kleine dingen samen doen, zoals de afwas. Doe het met je volle aandacht voor dat moment;

3. Maak ieder nieuw moment weer contact; wanneer je na de afwas gaat wandelen, kijk je elkaar even aan, benoemd het nieuwe dat je gaat doen, checked hoe je er allebei in staat;

4. Zoek een vast moment op een dag en vraag dan eens aan elkaar wat het leukste van de dag was. Dit kan ook een aanzet zijn om de wat minder leuke dingen vanuit een lichtere positie te bespreken;

5. Bouw tijd in om te doen waar je individueel blij van wordt en wissel dit af met momenten van verbinding;

6. Raak elkaar aan; een hand op een schouder, een knuffel, het aard je in verbinding met elkaar en het lichaam is wijs en heeft weinig woorden nodig. Zo kun je snel en met aandacht positieve momenten samen inbouwen. Letterlijk aanraken 'raakt' jouw ziel 'aan'.

De norm is de intentie in verbiniding te blijven. Vanuit die norm is het langzaam bewegen naar onveiliger momenten in een relatie en daar in te groeien. Dit is een proces wat diep gaat en waar bij Systemisch Werk in Indiviuele Sessie goed mee gewerkt kan worden. 

(ge) Hecht aan Mij staat voor de uitnodiging om in verbinding te staan met de ander zonder afhankelijkheid te creëren. Ik help je er graag mee verder.

How does this relate to you now?

A disorder develops in adults who have a gap in their attachment somewhere in their lives. Giving or receiving warmth and love can then be difficult. The good news is that the brain appears to be flexible and that attachment can also be further developed later in life. You can see this by one or two valuable relationships that you have entered into somewhere in your life. Did you succeed (to a certain extent)? Great, a first straw is present!

Of course, it requires dedication and commitment to move forward, since it is a condition that is vital to being able to live well to start with. When this is damaged you can imagine that it will take quite a lot to get started with it yourself.

Little things you can do:

1. Smile at someone else; while you do your thing individually or together, this is an easy way to make contact and confirm that things are ok;

2. Find connection in doing small things together, such as washing dishes. Do it with your full attention for that moment;

3. Connect again befor every new moment; when you go for a walk after washing up, look at each other for a moment, name the new thing that you are going to do, check how you are both in it;

4. Find a fixed moment in a day and then ask each other what the nicest thing of the day was. This can also be a start to discuss the less pleasant things from a lighter position;

5. Have time for yourself and the other to do what makes you individually happy and alternate this with moments of connection;

6. Touch each other; a hand on a shoulder, a hug, it will bring ground you in connection with each other and the body is wise and needs few words. That way you can build positive moments together quickly and with attention. Literally touching each other 'touches' your soul'.

The norm is the intention to remain in connection. Based on that standard, it is a next step to slowly move to more unsafe moments in a relationship and to grow in it. This is a process that goes deep and Systemic Work in Individual Sessions will be of great help.

Feel Attached to Me stands for the invitation to connect with the other without creating dependence. I will gladly help you with it.

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